Cheryl Tweedy to Ashley Tweedy-Cole: "I insist that you sex it up with every bird you meet in Faces. And I'll only be truly happy if you are sick on their floor and in their car. That makes me as wet as an otter's pocket."
Sir Alex to Ronaldo: "I want you to be carried aloft through the streets of Madrid by gold-plated virgins who tell you over and over again that you are the best player in the world. Oh and that you have a massive cock. And that's an order."
Jose Mourinho to Frank Lampard: "You can come to Inter Milan on one condition - that you shoot (and eat) on sight. Oh wait a minute, that's two conditions..."
Arsene Wenger to Emmanuel Adebayor: "Okay Emmanuel, you can stay, but you must take £120,000 a week for your efforts. Actually, make that £130,000 a week, a stand named in your honour and full access to the former Mrs Henry."
Phil Gartside to Gary Megson: "Buy crap, be crap and play crap football. Now."
Kevin Keegan to Joey Barton: "New code of conduct Joey - hit them before they hit you. And after they hit you. And for quite a bit afterwards until someone pulls you off. Otherwise laddy, you're sacked."
Phil Scolari to John Terry: "New chief brings a new set of rules JT. You must intimidate, alienate, shout a lot with bulging veins and use your hands willy and indeed nilly. And do all this while stood two yards from the goal-line - you don't want to get caught out for pace do you? Oh and p*** in this glass, fella..."
David Moyes to Yakubu: "Just take things easy Yak. Don't wear yourself out, man. Have the afternoon off."
BBC directive to Alan Shearer: "Say nothing. Offer nothing. If we catch you saying anything at all with even the merest hint of insight, we'll be disappointed with that. You've got to do better from there. You've got to fancy the Germans etc etc."
Juande Ramos to Paul Robinson: "First rule of goalkeeping: Make yourself big."
(Courtesy Football365.com)
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